net.wars: Life licence

by Wendy M Grossman | posted on 23 September 2005

Please read this end-user license agreement ("EULA") carefully. By being born, you agree to be bound by the terms of this EULA. If you do not agree, do not exit womb and, if applicable, return to the place of conception for a full refund.

Wendy M Grossman

1. GENERAL. This EULA is a legal agreement between you (either an individual or an entity) and the scientific or religious establishment of your choice (“God”). This EULA governs your Life, which includes all seconds from the time you are born until you are legally pronounced dead (. This EULA also governs the container supplied with your Life ("Body") and any support services ("miracles") relating to Life except as may be included in another agreement between you and God. An amendment or addendum to this EULA may be presented to you by your retail suppliers ("Parents").

2. THE PARENT PROGRAM. All complaints and technical support requests should be addressed to your Parents, who may or may not, depending on the subscription level you have elected, offer you additional warranties. Parents are third-party components, and not subject to warranties under this EULA. God is not liable for the quality, competence, character, number, gender, species, ethnicity, religious affiliation, or presence/absence of your Parents, or for the quality of the relationship between them, if any, and does not supply technical support for Parental units. Any Parent may be terminated or exchanged at any time without notice and without recourse.

3 CONSCIOUSNESS. To reduce piracy, God requires certain components to be activated. The license rights granted under this EULA are limited to the first five times you gain Consciousness ("Wake up") after you are Born unless you supply the information necessary to activate your Life. You may also need to reactivate your Life if you modify your Body or alter your Consciousness. God will not collect any personally identifiable information from your DNA during the activation process without your consent.

4. DIGITAL RIGHTS MANAGEMENT. Content providers are using digital rights management technology to protect the integrity of their content so that their intellectual property, including copyright, in such content is not misappropriated. If your Brain's security has been compromised, content providers may request that God revoke your right to copy, display, and/or play protected content. Revocation does not alter your Brain's ability to access unprotected content, if any exists.

5. OUT-OF-BODY EXPERIENCES. Your Life may not be shared or used concurrently among different Bodies.


a. Not to remove or obscure any copyright, trademark or patent notices ("Birthmarks") that appear on the Body as delivered to you;

b. To indemnify, hold harmless, and defend God from and against any claims or lawsuits, including attorneys' fees, that arise or result from the use or distribution of the Life;

c. That God reserves all rights not expressly granted.

3. RESERVATION OF RIGHTS AND OWNERSHIP. God reserves all rights not expressly granted to you in this EULA. The Life is protected by copyright and other intellectual property laws and treaties. God or Its suppliers own the title, copyright, and other intellectual property rights in the Life and in any derivative works produced by you during the course of your Life. The Life is licensed, not sold.

4. MEMORIES. You may make a single back-up copy of the Life. You may use one (1) back-up copy solely for your archival purposes and to reinstall the Life in the Body. Except as expressly provided in this EULA or by local law, you may not otherwise make copies of the Life, including the imprinted materials  accompanying the Life. You may not loan, rent, lease, lend, or otherwise transfer the back-up copy to another user.

4. LIMITATIONS ON REVERSE ENGINEERING AND DISSASSEMBLY. You may not reverse engineer or disassemble the Life or the Body, except and only to the extent that such activity is expressly permitted by applicable law notwithstanding this limitation. In some jurisdictions, genetic mutations that might lead to evolution are prohibited.

5. NOT FOR RESALE. Life may not be resold.

6. REINCARNATION. Life may not be reused.

6. NON-TRANSFERABLE. Life is non-transferable.

7. TERMINATION. Without prejudice to any other rights, God may terminate this EULA ("strike you dead") without notice if you fail to comply with the terms and conditions of this EULA. God also retains the right to reinstate your Life, either in whole or in part, after termination.

8. REPRODUCTION. You may not propagate without authority.

8. DISCLAIMER OF WARRANTIES. To the maximum extent permitted by applicable law, God and Its suppliers provide Life as is and with all faults, and hereby disclaim all other warranties and conditions, whether express, implied or statutory, including, but not limited to, any (if any) implied warranties, duties or conditions of merchantability, of fitness for a particular purpose.

9. EXCLUSION OF INCIDENTAL, CONSEQUENTIAL AND CERTAIN OTHER DAMAGES. In no event shall God be liable for any special, incidental, punitive, indirect, or consequential damages whatsoever arising out of or in any way related to the use of or inability to use the Life.

10. APPLICABLE LAW. this EULA is governed by Divine law. Depending where you are Born, some national and/or natural laws may also apply.

11. ENTIRE AGREEMENT; SEVERABILITY. This EULA (including any addendum or amendment to this EULA which is included with the Life) is the entire agreement between you and God.

Happy birthday.

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Wendy M. Grossman’s Web site has an extensive archive of her books, articles, and music, and an archive of all the earlier columns in this series. Readers are welcome to post here, at net.wars home, follow on Twitter or send email to netwars(at) skeptic.demon.co.uk (but please turn off HTML).